date: Saturday, May 21, 2005 @ 3:40 pm
title: Me..
I had to have this written down, so as not to think of it over and over again.
What I did on Friday for my election speech..
Did I do the right thing or didn't I?
I totally dunno what to say.
I hate myself sometimes to be such a coward in not believing myself anymore.
I will always weight the pros and cons to a point. I get so confused by my actions that I missed out the most important issues that I struggle with. I never like to make decision for myself. I never like to do anything for myself. I never like people to thank me for the thing I do.
I can blame all I want about myself. My DNA. My personality. Me.
But until the sun sets and the moon holds high in the deep darkness.
I have to face another day when morning breaks. I have to...
All I want is that God just tell me all his plans about my life and just like use a remote control and control my every movement. If I defy, just kill me and let me die...
That's so immature of me.
But I really can't stand myself and my decisions.
I promised my friends who gave me their fullest support to endose me to their friends and did everything they could to assist me in my performance and campagin, to give all my best for it. But I ended up screwing up all these because of one thing.
Pride.
I hate my guts.
I hate my pride.
I hate both of them. Whether they are related or not.
I so want to give them a few good punches.
Yes.. even thought I felt much better and much happier after I said all I wanted to. But what I confessed is not what others wanted to hear. I seem to be the only fool on the stage that I even dare to display my speech on the table. I so gave myself away when I decided to return to my oldself.
People had so much faith on me.
So much that I cried, hoping that I was just a nightmare I was thrown into.
Life is full of turmoil. Life is full of craziness. Life is full by itself.
Prayers and supports that they gave, made me feel so.. inferior.
Since young, it was all one-man-show. I did everything by myself.
I taught myself how to ride a bicycle. I taught myself not to trust anyone on the planet. I taught myself to stand up when I fell. I was alone. I had noone to go to when I was in trouble. I was walking by myself day and night. I had no friends to trust, to talk to. Nothing.
Over the years when Jesus came into myself.
I got so many issues to deal with. My sin. My thoughts. My culture. Me.
Once, in my life, it was just me and myself. My world only contained me. I'm king. Noone was any concern to me. My childhood friend left without saying good bye. My pri school buddies deserted me when I was in trouble. I made people to buy my trust when there was profit. I felt superior.
Now.. I feel useless without God. I feel worthless without church. I feel like nothing without my friends. I feel lonely when I'm alone. I can't live without one day without any social contact with anyone. I will just die. I feel so inferior... so cold.. so empty without God.
I was a broken man when God picked me out from the trash can, after I was battered phyiscally and emotionally. I had nothing to offer God, nothing to exchange with Jesus. I was worse than a stray dog.
I grew up independently. I grew in envy when I saw other parents attending their children's prize award ceremony and parent-meeting session; when they cheered for their childern and took thousand of photos of them. Their greatest moment.
And I. Alone with 2 empty seats beside me.
I told myself to be strong, dun cry. But inside I was weeping like mad. I was screaming for fairness, I was shouting for my parents' attendance, until the day my heart harden and I was immune to any feeling, any emotions. I was dead inside.
With now, I was healed by Jesus.
I, in some sense, become very sensitive with emotions. I get very tense with trivial matters. I contemplated too much.
I never felt so supported by people. I grew up in a negative upbringing, that they never believe in my abilities, or should I say, they didn't believe in me. Now with support and help coming my way, I feel so soft. I dunno how to react.
Many people tried to understand me. Tried means and ways to know what's inside of me, but was futile. Even myself, also dunno what I will be thinking or doing at the given situation.
Precedent is never me.
I'm always changing. I hate to stop. I'm hyper-active.
Who am I?
I really got no idea or so whatever.
Maybe, I might have an insight from my friends' point of view.
'It takes one to know one.'
I hope so.
